Returnity from Maternity
Returning from maternity leave is one of the hardest things you have to do as a mother. I say this speaking from experience. I returned to work when my son was 11 months old. My situation was maybe a little unique as, during my maternity leave, I decided to sell my house, quit my job, and relocate to the south of England. I wanted my son to grow up near the sea so I made that happen.
Whilst on maternity leave I started interviewing for new jobs. I secured a role with a large corporate company. I took a small pay cut but it felt like a good move considering the situation I was in with the relocation.
There had been a number of thoughts and mixed emotions going round in my head and I’m sure there are many mothers who have experienced similar thoughts.
Should I be a stay at home Mum?
Should I at least stay at home whilst he’s not at school?
Will I miss important milestones?
What if he hates nursery?
Do I want to give up my career that I’ve worked so hard for?
Would it even be possible to leave a HR career for a number of years or would I miss to much?
Could I handle being a stay at home Mum?
Would I need more intellectual stimulation?
Will he think I’m a bad Mum if he knew I went back to work and ‘left him’.
The decision was made. I wanted to continue my career and financially I wanted to provide my son with a childhood different to my own. I wanted to be able to afford holidays, days out etc.
So in May 2016 I started my new job, returning from maternity leave.
This might be a good time to add in that fathers are also able to take Shared Parental Leave in the UK and may well find themselves in a similar situation but for this article I’ll refer to mothers and my own experience.
The reality is that less than 4% of eligible families use Shared Parental Leave and only one third even took the 2 weeks statutory paternity leave. The childcare responsibilities seem to be falling firmly with the mother in most cases, even when they are returning to work.
I have to say that whilst I had made my decision to return to work after a lot of careful thought and consideration the Mum guilt is very real and it’s hard to shake.
I left my son at the nursery with someone I barely knew and headed off for my first day.
Let’s talk about some of the struggles and consider how an employer could help?
Routine
You're telling me I have to get my baby ready for nursery, myself looking presentable, drop off at nursery and run to get the train! But, but, but I just had 12 months of living in pyjamas! This was my life for four out of five days every single week. The nursery opened about 11 minutes before my train was scheduled to arrive. If I missed that train and got the next one I would be late for work. So I had no choice but to really drop and run. And literally run otherwise I wouldn’t make it. There were days when my son was crying at drop off and I wanted nothing more than to stop and comfort him. Some days everything felt super rushed and I’m sure he picked up on how frantic everything was.
Had my boss asked me what my morning like she may have realised how crazy things were and could have potentially said, “hey, don’t stress if you get here at 0915 instead”
Employers could introduce a phased return for returning mothers. For maybe the first 2 months, they build their hours up (but get paid in full). Start later so they can get used to the craziness of the mornings. You can guarantee the child is going to be sick down at least one outfit in the first week. By doing this I have no doubt you will have very loyal and grateful employees.
I remember that when I was working part-time my manager actually commented that I was more productive than some of the full-timers in the team. When you know you have to leave on time and you just don’t know when you’re going to receive a phone call from the nursery you just somehow become super efficient with your time.
Updates
The urge to phone the nursery every 10 minutes for an update is real....you try to resist until lunch time but it's hard. You’re wondering how long it took them to stop crying after you left, have they eaten ok today? Are they being clingy? Are they playing nicely? Did they say any new words today? It’s completely normal for these thoughts to pop into your head in the middle of a meeting. Granted, you will feel distracted with meetings and work during the day but it doesn’t stop the worry or the wondering.
So if you're a boss with a returner why don't you ask how she is doing and maybe ask her if she's going to phone them so she doesn't feel guilty.
Sickness
What if the little one is sick and I have to take time off in my first week? In the first month? Well, the chances of this happening are about 100%. When you put that many children in close proximity one thing they’re really good at is sharing germs. And to top if off you will probably also get the cold / the bug / the germs. This is when the Mum guilt really kicks in.
I want to prove that I can do the job after coming back from maternity
I don’t want people to think I’m being flakey
What if I have to cancel or move meetings?
If I take time off so soon after coming back will people think I’m unreliable.
A Common Occurrence
The phone rang.
"Hi Claire, we need you to come and collect Lucas. He's really not well. He's got a high temperature and really not himself".
Claire looks at diary.
➡️ A 1:1 with line manager in half an hour
➡️ Monthly catch up with Department director at 3pm
➡️ Engagement focus group I agreed to facilitate to help support the recent survey that was completed
➡️ A reminder to send out the monthly reporting pack to the team to review
"Ah poor thing, of course, I'm on the way. I can be there in 45 minutes"
Gets on the train.
Spends 15 minutes sending huge apologies to people for having to reschedule.
Spends remaining time on train feeling guilty that I wasn't there to give him big cuddles this morning. He needed me and I was working.
Feeling guilty about work, thinking work are going to think I'm flakey and unreliable.
Feeling worried that I'll need to take tomorrow off if Lucas isn't feeling better.
More conversations at work about the reality of this situation, or a written policy that explains that these situations are to be expected would be reassuring. There’s a huge caveat here that not all roles and companies can show huge amounts of flexibility even if they wanted to, purely because of the nature of the role.
When I started to share some of these thoughts on LinkedIn many people could relate.
So much real… for me personally it was tragedy to return to work after my maternity… I just simply didn’t know where to start!!! 😵💫🥴 even 6am wake up call didn’t help, well, it actually made it worse… after few weeks of running like headless chicken I just gave up! I was sooo sooo soooo exhausted (again) awful feeling… plus seeing your little one wanting to sleep longer not to be woken up with first sun so you manage to get to work in time, and if you’re late!☝️ ohhhhh this look from the management👌 it’s just paralysing your brain, whole body actually… and it gets to the point where your “morning teatime” is actually hiding in the toilet to let the steam off and and cry your eyes out blaming yourself for being such mess…
True story… a whole year of “trying my best” did more damage to my mental health than anything else in this life of mine so far…
These kind of stories are absolutely heartbreaking. Returning to work, an actual job where you need to engage your brain is exhausting. It definitely takes some time to get back into the swing of things. When the little people are poorly and awake through the night it only makes the situation ten times worse. One of the things we are very good at, and I don’t know if this is a Mum thing, a British thing….but we pretend like everything is ok. We don’t want people to think we are failing. We don’t talk about how we really feel. We don’t show our vulnerability. I wonder if there are ways employers can make us feel safer so we can open up.
Having highly skilled managers that are able to approach topics in a sensitive way is super helpful and important. Some managers may not know what questions to ask to uncover how people are feeling, they may feel like they are interfering. Some times people just need someone to ask the question “How are you really doing?”.
There was a lady who raised an interesting point about the partner also stepping in. In my situation my partner at the time had decided to cycle to work so it was harder for him to get back and collect my son when needed. The nursery will probably call Mum first.
On my first day back in the office after maternity leave, I practically threw my son at the childcare provider - which opened at 7.30am - so I could sprint to make my 7.44am train.
He was hysterical and upset - as was I - and by the time I reached my office at 8.15, I'd already had a call saying he'd been sick so had to be picked up and couldn't return for 48 hours. He wasn't ill, he was anxious about the situation.
"But it's my first day back after 10 months away!" I exclaimed. I had to get straight on the phone to my husband and ask him to go home, collect our son, and be with him for the next two days. Thankfully, my husband had a really understanding employer who allowed him to do this and not take holiday/unpaid leave etc.
I think there should be a way for the partners who haven't been on maternity leave to notify their own employers and there to be frameworks in place to support them, if needed (practical stuff, like the example I've just given). After all, children are not just one parent's responsibility and it's likely that if you are returning from maternity, you're in a big enough state of anxiety I
Do we need to get better at speaking up about how we feel, asking for others to share the childcare responsibilities with us. Our careers are just as important. The story below is quite similar. Recognising that it is hard to juggle everything and the reality is that we do need support.
Everything mentioned above is so real, and mums' guilt is also very real. I've been back to work in the office environment after almost 1.5 years of maternity and almost 4 years working remotely for myself. The adjustment needed is massive. And the support that your workplace gives you is fundamental. I've been extremely lucky that we have a lot of mums and parents and everyone understands what's involved and are extremely flexible. And still, I find it hard sometimes juggling motherhood and career. Also because even if we talk a lot about having equal rights and responsibilities with our husbands or partners and even if they help a lot, majority of the childcare is still on us, because, in the end of the day, no one can replace a mum.
The concept of Returnity is really starting to gain traction as companies realise the struggles that mothers are experiencing.
TUI have introduced a new Family Leave policy (July 2023) and one point that really stuck out to me was:
“Those going on maternity, adoption or extended shared parental leave will be invited to join a coaching session to help them prepare, with further group sessions after they return to work available to help them transition and re-adjust”
To view the article click HERE
So as an organisation what can you do to help morthers returning to work:
Introduce a Returnity policy (which in itself shows you care)
Phased return to work
Train managers to show empathy and make sure they are having regular conversations
Provide coaching sessions for people when they return
Flexible working options (these may be on a temporary basis i.e. the first 12 months)
Offer part-time working / job shares
These early years with our children are precious and tiring. We all need support now and again!