Mum Guilt
I posted on Linkedin in May 2023 about Mum guilt. The feeling you get as a mother, who also has a job, when you have to leave work early to pick your child up because they are poorly. The guilt you experience when you need to take an emergency day off because the little person is unwell and there are no other childcare arrangements. The feeling you get when you have to cancel meetings at work at short notice, and the guilt you experience when you weren’t there when your little person needed you.
This is something that, it would seem, lots of working Mums could relate to. I thought I’d share some of the comments so if you are feeling Mum guilt you can know you’re not alone.
“Yes the mum juggle is hard and real! My youngest has developed chicken pox overnight so that's now a rejig for the week 😆🙃 the joys of being a working mum.”
“Gosh your words are so spot on and evoke so many emotions of guilt and the tension of being needed in two places. It also made me think - were there also 3 calls made to the other parent in this situation? Or just mum?”
“Yep, all the guilt. The dread you feel when school’s number flashes on your phone and you just know it’s game over for that day”.
“I totally relate to this. Its so hard to navigate the mom guilt whilst also holding down a career.”
When I returned to work in 2016 after my maternity leave I had a big decision to make. Did I want to continue my career or did I want to be a stay at home Mum?
I had wanted to be a mother for such a long time, I couldn’t believe that this beautiful little soul was now in my life. I knew that I wanted to give him the best life. To be able to take him on holidays, explore the world, make memories and I knew all of that would cost money. So that was definitely a huge factor in my decision.
Selfishly, I had also worked really hard in my career. I had completed my masters degree in Human Resource Management whilst working full time. I had worked long hours and had worked hard to work my way up the HR ladder. I also knew that I needed my brain to be stimulated and I worried that staying home all day with a child my drive me stir crazy. When he went to school (which is obviously inevitable) what would I do? It would be hard to drop something like HR and pick it up a few years later.
So the decision was made, I was going to return to work.
I decided that financially, I would work 4 days a week and have one special day a week that we would go and spend some quality time together. An amazing result.
When the day came to starting my new job I had to leave a 13 month old baby with a stranger. Was it hard? Of course it was. Without a doubt. But I was ready to start the next chapter. I have no doubt that some of you reading this know the exact feelings I’m talking about.
So the LinkedIn post was this….
The meeting was an hour. You look at your phone and see that you've missed three calls from the nursery.
"Hi Claire, we need you to come and collect Lucas. He's really not well. He's got a high temperature and really not himself".
Claire looks at diary.
➡️ A 1:1 with line manager in half an hour
➡️ Monthly catch up with Department director at 3pm
➡️ Engagement focus group I agreed to facilitate to help support the recent survey that was completed
➡️ A reminder to send out the monthly reporting pack to the team to review
"Ah poor thing, of course, I'm on the way. I can be there in 45 minutes"
Gets on the train.
Spends 15 minutes sending huge apologies to people for having to reschedule.
Spends remaining time on train feeling guilty that I wasn't there to give him big cuddles this morning. He needed me and I was working.
Feeling guilty about work, thinking work are going to think I'm flakey and unreliable.
Feeling worried that I'll need to take tomorrow off if Lucas isn't feeling better.
Anyone else?
(thankful the nursery days are behind me)
Even though I had made the decision to go back to work, and I knew it was the right one, it never got easier when Lucas was poorly and felt like I should have been with him instead of a nursery worker comforting him until I got there.
I think it’s important to remember that if you are feeling Mum guilt in any way it probably means that you care about both things. Your child and your work. And that is ok. Some people commented on the post that they didn’t ever feel guilty because their child always comes first, and of course that is the case, but I think feeling guilty about having to leave work behind just shows that you also care about your job. It’s not a competition about which one is MORE important, it’s ok to care about both.
So how can you deal with those feelings?
Don’t beat yourself up. First up you need to remember that these things are not in your control. Unfortunately, children become unwell. Ironically due to being at nursery which is a haven for germs, but you have no control over when the next bug will strike. You are not purposefully trying to get time off work.
Take a deep breath. Take time to pause, get oxygen into your body, calm the thoughts in your head that are whirring round. When you feel like you a million things to do (like rescheduling meetings) it can be a good idea to just stop and think about everything that needs to be done
Surround yourself with supportive people. If your current boss is not supportive in these difficult situations then you might want to consider looking for a new role. It may seem extreme, but being a working parent one of the main things you need is a supportive boss.
Talk to your partner. Do you share responsibility for collecting the child early when they’re unwell. Stereotypically this normally falls to the mother, but if you have a conversation with your partner they may realise that they could do more to help. Is it possible to maybe take it in turns? (If you’re a single mum I see you and applaud you. I’m on the same journey so ignore this point!)
Can Dad’s feel Dad guilt?
Yes, it would seem they do from the comments received on the LinkedIn post. But do the same amount of Dad’s feel the Dad guilt as Mum’s, I actually don’t think they do. Would be interested to hear thoughts on this in the comments or in the LinkedIn Group (for members)
To all working parents out there you’re doing an amazing job. Keep going!